Please, let me fuck your mom
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just blew my weed a kiss
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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