just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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