my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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