are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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