My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
