Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize