goodnight i made you a song goodbye
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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