I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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