so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
