its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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