Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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