have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
