last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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