I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
