I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
50% drunk capacity currently
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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