A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize