People in love make me want to vomit
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
