he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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