I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize