Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
