you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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