I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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