y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
do nipples grow back?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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