Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
