I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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