We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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