just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I wish there were birth control emojis
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
