Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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