Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
