I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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