I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
