So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
