somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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