i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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