My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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