I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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