girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
