My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
