The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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