My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
