My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
