No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
