I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
