I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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