Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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