i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i out mim tonsoeep
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