Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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