I'm lost and stupid without you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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