2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
