She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
