We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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