90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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