If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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