dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
