Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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