just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
