I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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