If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
