found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
