You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
